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Two things made this event even worse. First, for tipoff of that game the ref called time out and sent So

Second, the following week I went back to assistant coaching, and a woman of color who was a parent of two of the black kids on the team walked up to me. At first, I thought, good, I’m finally going to get my thanks for handling the team when the regular coach was out of town. How naïve! It turns out someone had sent her the clip of me talking about this on my weekly appearance on the Kevin and Bean morning show where I used the term half-breed. She said, “I don’t appreciate you referring to my kids as half-breed.” I was confused. I said, “First off, half-breed is an Indian thing. Haven’t you heard the Cher song?” I even started singing it. She hadn’t.

Then she did something that drives me nuts. She said, “Listen, I’m in comedy. So I know humor.” That’s always a clear sign that the person has absolutely no sense of humor. She worked for TBS or something. I love when people start telling you what a fantastic sense of humor they have before they continue to prove they are humorless twats.

I told her I had said “Jew-fro” and “half-breed” intentionally because there weren’t any on the team. I had no idea that her kids were mixed. I thought they were just black. Even if I did know they were mixed I still would have used it. I didn’t say mulatto. No one refers to President Obama or Tiger Woods as half-breed. She was so narcissistic she had to make my Cher reference about herself and her kids.

And to all you do-gooders out there who practice the “I thought you should know” bullshit, you’re just a grown-up version of the tattletale from sixth grade that we all hated. That person who gives a friend bad news under the guise of “If I were you, I’d want to know” is a special kind of asshole. This is a power trip, a way for you to have dominion over other people’s feelings. You get to control them for a minute. Why not knock them down a wrung on the emotional ladder, so they can be as miserable as you are inside? At the same time, you get to elevate yourself by being holier than thou about me, a comedian who’s simply trying to get a laugh and actually made efforts to make sure no one’s feelings got hurt.

And, by the way, mission accomplished. I no longer coach her kids.

Another thing about all the parents at these events that drives me insane is that they’re always taking video of the kids.

In today’s culture kids can’t go three days without being photographed. I don’t know how good it’s going to be to have every event captured on iPhones. Family photos used to be an event in and of themselves, dragging the kids down to the Sears portrait studio in ill-fitting shirts and clip-on ties. Taking the photograph was a memory. I see parents now at every one of my kids’ events holding iPhones and iPads in front of their faces. It might be fun to look at those videos years down the road. Then again it might be used as “what-happened” footage in the 20/20 episode about them when they kill a bunch of nursing students. But it’s definitely bad for the parents. Just be there in the moment, instead of missing it by trying to capture it. That’s what your kid really wants. They want you to be paying attention.

Ironically, here’s a picture of the team getting a pep talk with Coach Carolla.

And last but never least, the government…

Like all things they get involved in, the government fucked this one up, too. Here I was simply trying to spend some time with my boy by coaching his basketball team, and here comes The Man looking over my shoulder.

On the day of So