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You know what you never see? A Korean guy with freckles and a big hook

nose.

I wonder when we pick up the telephone, does each of us get his own individual dial tone, or is there just one systemwide, master dial tone

that each of us jumps on and off when we need it? These things eat at me.

If a safe is unlocked, is it still a safe?

Here’s an optical illusion you can try at home. Take a pencil and make a small black dot in the middle of an ordinary piece of paper. Cover your left eye and stare at the dot from a distance of about two inches. You will see the Battle of Chancellorsville. If you don’t, check the paper. Or maybe you made the dot wrong.

Just because you don’t have a lot of money to spend is no reason you shouldn’t spend what little you have.

A good promotional idea for a singles bar would be to have “Date-rape Friday.” Drinks half-price, free GHB, free Plan-B pills, free RU-486 morning-after pills, free rape counseling and generous rebate coupons for an abortion clinic. That takes care of attracting the men; I’m still working on how to get some women to show up.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That’s why we didn’t do it.

You know what you never see? A really good-looking homeless couple.

I’ve always wondered if the Library of Congress provides books in their public toilets to promote reading. I should think they wouldn’t want to pass up a captive audience like that.

A GENERIC JOKE: A person goes into a place and says something to another person. The second person says something back to the first person, who listens to that and then says something back to the second person. The thing he says back is really fu

Stick around. China’s go

TRUE FACT: In Moscow there’s a professional entertainer who is described as a Hitler impersonator. Show biz.

Get one now! Everybody has one! They’re almost gone! New, super-deluxe, jumbo, handy, portable, lightweight, convenient, collapsible, prewrapped, easy to use, guaranteed, available in all sizes in designer colors. Get one now! Won’t rust tarnish, blister, crack or peel, but it will cause tumors.

KEEPIN’ IT REAL IN THE AIR OFF WE GO, INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER

I think the safety instructions that airline flight attendants deliver before departure could be greatly improved if they were simply a bit more honest and complete. They should include graphic descriptionsaccompanied by animated and live-action videoof the devastating physical damage done to the human body during a crash. They should cite examples of various anatomical mutilations. They should also include a detailed description of the damage done to the lungs and skin by fire and smoke inhalation, to demonstrate that surviving the impact of the crash alone is not always sufficient. People deserve the truth.

Then, how about a more relaxed, breezy pre-flight a