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Center is another word that’s become important. Hospitals have long thought of themselves as medical centers, but now libraries have joined the cho-

rus, calling themselves learning resources centers. And just to wrap this section up and returning to show business for a momentno matter what size the place where entertainment was being presented, at some point it was decided they would all just be called venues.

Systems, facilities, spaces, centers and venues: They’re all words to keep an eye on in today’s atmosphere of increasing self-importance.

YOU WANT MORE CHANGES?

Profits became earnings, perso

By this time, the dump had become the landfill. I guess it was inevitable; the garbagemen who fill it had long since become sanitation engineers, and in some cities, garbage collection was going by the fancy (and misleading) name environmental services.

The changes even got me where I lived. According to the Census Bureau, my apartment had become a dwelling unit, and when I asked my janitor to put & peephole in the door, I discovered later that actually the custodial engineerhad installed an observation port.

Change of pace: One day, a bucktoothed girl told me she had overbite. That was the day I traded in my glasses for prescription eyewear.

Of course, some of these language upgrades are more widespread than

others: admittedly, they’re not all universal. For instance, we still have motels, but some of them wanted to charge a little more, so they became motor lodges. We also still have house trailers, but if they’re for sale and profits are involved, they become motor homes, mobile homes, modular homes or manufactured housing.

So apparently, what we thought all this time was a trailer park is actually a manufactured-home community. I guess the lesson is we never quite know what we’re dealing with. Could it be that all these years on the Jerry Springer show we’ve actually been watching manufactured-home-community trash?

I HAVE A DRUG (STORE) PROBLEM

I guess you’ve noticed a trip to the drugstore has changed a lot too; the products have all been transformed. To start with, the medicine 1 used to take is now called medication. (I have a hunch medication costs more than medicine.) Mouthwashes are dental rinses, deodorants have been joined on the shelf by antiperspirants (probably because sweat has become nervous wetness), a plain old bar of soap these days is being described variously as a bath bar, a cleansing bar and a clarifying bar. Can you imagine a mother saying, “Young man, if I hear that word out of you one more time, I’m going to wash your mouth out with a clarifying bar’} Doesn’t sound right, does it?

The hair people have taken liberties, too: hair spraytoo ordinary. Try holding mist. Of course, if you don’t want holding mist, you can always turn to shaping mousse or sculpting gel. Anything to get you to pay a little more. Cough drops have grown up and turned into throat lozenges, some even calling themselves pastilles or troches. Guess what? Right! Two dollars more for lozenges, pastilles and troches.

I can remember, in television’s early years, when constipation was called occasional irregularity. These days, in a kind of minor, reverse-euphemism trend,

we’re back to constipation, which parallels the recent TV comeback made by diarrhea. No more lower gastric distress. Diarrhea! “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!” The new TV candor. (Even though you still can’t say shit) By the way, doctors used to claim that constipation could be relieved by eating more roughage; now they’re pushing^z^T. I still prefer roughage. If I want fiber, I eat a basket.

And hey, lady! Advancing age causing vaginal friction? Tell the pharmacist you have a personal dryness problem. I’m sure he has some sort of intimate feminine-lubricating solution to recommend. That’s the way they describe crotch products now. Even a good old-fashioned douche has turned into a feminine wash. And remember feminine hygiene sprays? Personally, they didn’t sound very tasty to me. If they had come in flavors they might have been more successful. Vagin-illa, crotch-ocolate, labia-lime. Just a thought. Anyway, the latest female product I’ve heard of is protective underwear, which, frankly, folks, I don’t even want to think about. More later.

TIPS FOR SERIAL KILLERS

Because I enjoy following the exploits of serial killers, I’m always hoping they never get caught. So I’ve compiled a list of suggestions to help them stay on the loose longer; that way they can provide me with maximum entertainment.