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Ignore these four words.

There are some people who are so nondescript that if their identities were stolen it would be an improvement.

TRUE FACT: It’s against the law to mutilate grave remains. So apparently, it’s not illegal to be in possession of grave remains, the trouble starts when you mutilate them. Nice distinction.

I have an /^personal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone and I go home.

Here’s how money can buy happiness: Money gives you options, options give you breathing room, breathing room gives you control and control can offer you a measure of happiness. Maybe.

TRUE FACT: You can now buy vibrating panties. They’re a kind of thong with a built-in vibrator. Just what we needed.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I can’t help it, I just have this gut feeling that the Mafia is controlled by organized crime. I don’t know what it is, but something fishy is going on.

I wonder if a classical music composer ever intentionally composed a piano piece that was physically impossible to play and then stuck it away in a trunk to be found years after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy.

Why don’t these guys named Allen, Allan, Allyn and Alan get together and decide how the fuck to spell their name? I’m tired of guessing. The same with Sean, Shaun and Shawn. Stop with all these cute attempts to be different. If you wa

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

Somebody said to me, “I can’t believe Jerry Garcia is dead.” And I thought, Doesn’t this guy know? Everybody’s dead. It’s all a matter of degree.

I can t wait for the sun to explode; it’s go

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn’t that weird?

Middlebrow bumper sticker in California: IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT. Yeah, sure. Unless the thing you’re dreaming is impossible. Then, chances are, you can’t do it. But try to enjoy life anyway.

UI collect rocks.” “How many you got?” ‘One. I just started.”

Advice to kids: Get high on sports, not drugs. But if there are no sports in your neighborhood, go ahead and get high on drugs.

If you had yourself cloned, who, exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you’d be driving yourself to school.

Regarding creationists: Aren’t these the same people who gave us alchemy and astrology, and who told us the earth, besides being flat, was at the center of the universe? Why don’t we just kill these ruckin’ people?

Idle thought: Do you suppose a perverted priest has ever tried to stick a crucifix up a kid’s ass? Just wondering.

The wrong two Beatles died first.

I wonder if anyone who was working in or near the World Trade Center that day took advantage of all the confusion to simply disappear. What a great way to get away from your family.

Indoor electric illumination is often referred to as “artificial light.” How can it be artificial? The way I look at it is this: If I can read by it, see myself in the mirror and recognize my friends, it’s probably as real as I’m ever going to need it to be.

You know what you never see anymore? A guy with a pencil behind his

ear.