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The same is true of radio call-in shows. The people who call in say, “Thank you for taking my call.” Why do they bother? Think about it. Taking calls is what these shows do. They’re call-in shows; they take calls. That’s their function. Why thank them for doing what they can’t avoid? It bothers me that people even think they need to say these things. It’s all very insincere.

TELEPHONE OPERATORS

And on the subject of insincerity, let’s not forget the nonsense that telephone operators are ordered to say by their corporate-drone bosses. Keeping in mind, of course, that telephone operators are not operators anymore, they’re attendants. Telephone attendants. Or telephone representatives. I’ve also heard them called communications facilitators, and customer care professionals.

Anyway, these operators used to say, “Who did you want to speak with?” Now it’s, “How may I direct your call?” I don’t like that. It sounds artificial. And it has a ring of self-importance. “How may I direct your call?” Jesus, everyone wants to direct; it’s not just actors anymore. And when you tell them who you’re trying to reach, they say, “Thank you, it’s a pleasure to forward your call.” Sounds polite, doesn’t it? Its not. It’s insincere.

TOO MANY TELEPHONE THANKYOUS

And on the subject of telephone operators, another complaint I have about these people takes me back to my original pointthe u

I recently called a friend who was staying at the Marriott. He was staying at the Marriott. I called him thereat the Marriott. I intentionally dialed the number of the Marriott, because that’s where I expected him to be. The co

They even thank you for doing things you cant avoid. Did you ever have an operator say. “Thank you for calling the operator?” I’ve had that happen. Well, who did she think I was go

One time, at a hotel, I wanted to get my car. Naturally, I needed to call valet parking. I noticed the little plastic card next to my telephone. It said “Press nine for valet parking.” I was about to press nine, but then I noticed I didn’t have to press nine, because right there on the phone one of the speed-dial buttons had a little picture of a car next to it, and it said “Valet parking.’ So I pushed that button. The one that said “Valet parking.” The one with the picture of the car. Someone answered. You know what he said? Right. “Thank you for calling valet parking.”

Well, fuck! Didn’t he know that if a guest wants to retrieve his car, he more or less has to call valet parking? That’s where the cars are! And doesn’t he know the designers of hotel telephones have gone to a great deal of trouble to make it easy for people to get their cars? I had simply taken advantage of their skills; I had called valet parking by pressing a single button. A button marked with a little picture of a car.

And I can assure you, folks, if I had thought for even a split second that valet parking didn’t have my carfor instance, if I’d thought the bartender had itI would have called the cocktail lounge. I would have pressed the little button with the picture of the martini next to it. Which would, of course, have given the bartender a chance to say, “Thank you for calling the cocktail lounge.”

One further complaint: These days, if I call a hotel from the outside, the telephone operators waste an awful lot of my time: “Hello. Thank you for calling the Lincoln Plaza Hotel-Resort and Conference Center, my name is Ta-neesha, have a nice day, and how may I direct your call?” And 1 say, “I’ll have to get back to you. I forgot why I called.” Sometimes, just to scare the operator, I’ll sob, “It’s too late. He just died.”

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s too much. Occasionally, a recording will thank me. “Thank you for using AT&T.” How can this be? Isn’t gratitude a personal feeling? Recording devices don’t have personal feelings, do they? No. But I do. And I feel this showy, hyper-politeness must be stopped. Thank you for reading this far.

FURTHER THOUGHTS ON EXPLODING HEADS

Wouldn’t it be interesting if the only way you could die was that suddenly your head blew up? If there were no other causes of death? Everyone died the same way? Sooner or later, without warning, your head simply exploded? You know what I think? I think people would get used to it. I believe people can learn to take anything in stride if they think it’s unavoidable.