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DUELING TALK SHOWS

Since last month Oprah had a special show, “Women Who Fake Orgasms,” this month, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer is presenting a nighttime special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.” (Graphic video, foul odors)

DR. PHIL

In a special program, Dr. Phil welcomes famed psychic medium John Edwards to the show and they try to contact dead whores. Then, in a special pre-taped segment, Dr. Phil cures a woman’s fear of flying by throwing her out of an airplane. (Limited intellects)

EVEN MORE TALK

Two fascinating glimpses into the medical world as Montel Williams investigates “Doctors Who Intentionally Give Patients the Siff” and Maury Povich interviews “Twins Who Eat Each Other’s Feces.” (Indigestion)

DOCUMENTARY

Award-wi

MUSIC SPECIAL

Then, Friday at midnight, don’t miss Willie Nelson’s pay-per-view concert, Wankin’ with Willie. Willie kicks off the festivities in great fashion as he gets right into one of his all-time best sellers, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off.”

Then he introduces his guest star, Loretta Ly

and “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me.” The pair’s tandem segment concludes as Willie serenades Loretta with his special new arrangement of “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded.”

Willie then takes the solo spotlight again with his familiar country lament, “I Shoulda Fucked Old WhatsHer-Name.”

And what would a Willie Nelson show be without a good ol’ cowboy song? This time he honors the late Roy Rogers and does an authentic western ballad written by Roy called “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow.” Home-movie footage of the original incident, taken by Roy’s beloved wife, Dale Evans, adds to the song’s authenticity. His faithful horse Trigger is seen off to the side brandishing a huge hard-on.

The whole shebang then ends with more vintage video, this time from Willie’s first special. Two of Willie’s great buddies, Joh

As the closing credits roll and his band plays “God Bless America,” Willie is seen smoking a big joint rolled in American flag paper.

CONCERNED PARENTS

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: How was Debbie’s checkup?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MOM: The dentist was very pleased. Only six extractions...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Great.

MOM: Plus she needs a jawbone graft and twelve implants. DAD: Must be that new gel toothpaste we’ve been using.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MOM: Yes! Patented new Choppersheen! Removes unwanted pulp,...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Choppersheen. Now in refreshing mint!

MEMO TO SELF

Here’s a piece of graffiti I saw scrawled in black marking pen on one of those newspaper dispensers you see on New York sidewalks. It said, “Rosie O’Do

I wondered, had someone simply awakened that morning and decided the time had come to share this little tidbit he’d been thinking about for a long time? And had he gone out that day determined to find a good place to write it? And this seemed like the best spot? Was it that simple?