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“Dum-dee-dee-da . . . Da-dum-da .. . Whoooaaa! What’s this? A scab! Hot shit, a scab! I love fuckin1 scabs. This is go

“Wait! Wait! Wait! (Picking at scalp) Wait just a minute. It’s not ready to come off yet! It’s immature, it’s still not ripe. It’s not ready for plucking. I’ll save this for Thursday! Thursday will be a good day. I only have half a day of work on Thursday. I’ll come home early, masturbate in the kitchen, wash the floor and then I’ll watch The Montel Williams Show. And while I do, I’ll pick off my scab. Oh boy, oh boy! I can’t wait to pick off my scab, this is go

THE WAITING GAME

So you wait. And you wait. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait. And you try not to knock it off by accident with the little plastic comb you bought in the vending machine at the Easy Livin’ Motel when you hooked up with the two skanky-lookin’ chicks who gave you the clap that night.

And now, finally, Thursday arrives. It’s harvest time! Harvest time on the top of your head. So you come home early, and you masturbate, but you do it in your sister’s bedroom just to give it a little extra thrill. Know what I mean? Then you shampoo the rug, and you watch The Montel Williams Show. Pretty interesting topic: “Women Who Take It up the Ass for Fifty Cents.” Not the best show he’s ever done, but you know something? Not bad, either!

And now it’s time. Time to go ger this little scab. But you want to proceed carefully. You want to pry this thing off slowly and evenly, around the perimeter of the scab, so that it lifts off all in one piece. You don’t want it to break into pieces. Who needs a fragmented scab? Not me. I don’t need parts that badly, I’m not that disturbed.

What you really want; what you really need; what you really must have is a complete, whole scab you can set down, study, make notes on and perhaps write a series of penetrating articles on for Scab Aficionado Magazine. Who knows? You might rise to the top of the scab world in a big hurry. It’s a small community and they need people at the top.

And so you proceed. With a single fingernail extendedalways choosing your best peeling and scraping nailyou find your way through the thicket of hair and locate the target. You make a careful, initial probe, and surprisingly, the prey yields easily, coming off all in one piece. And you lift it off carefully, through the hair, and position it on the tip of your picking finger.

And you look at the little thing, so pathetic there on your finger. Isolated, alone, out of its environment. And your heart begins to melt. So you take your new friend carefully between thumb and forefinger, and gently place it back on your head, setting it loose in the wild. And you feel the better man. You’re in harmony with your body.

Think of it as catch and release.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

EUPHEMISMS: Broke, Nuts and On the Street

I GOT NO MONEY

While we in America have been busy creating politically correct euphemisms for old peoplethereby making their lives infinitely easierwe’ve also been working on our poor-people language problem. And we now have language that takes all the pain out of being poor. Having no money these days is easier than ever.