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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAN: Right.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

STAN: But why does it have to be someone else? Why couldn’t...

DAN: . . . the same person? Why couldn’t the same person whose sentences I finish . . .

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

STAN: … be the same person who finishes your sentences?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAN: I don’t know. Let’s ask this . ..

MAN: . . . man over here. What can I do for you fellows?

A Person I Know Day

The American Retail Association reminds you that next Sunday is A Person I Know Day. It’s a lot like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but instead of honoring your parents, you take the time to honor some other person you know. It can be anyone at all: mailman, delivery boy, gas station attendant, drugstore clerk, even that interesting fellow who stands on the corner all day displaying his penis. Any person you know is eligible; in fact, every person you know is eligible. So why not honor them all? Go out today and buy gifts for all the people you know. It’s the perfect way of showing your love and saying, “Hi, I’m sure glad I know you.”

And when you think about it, you’ll probably be in store for some nice gifts yourself on A Person I Know Day. In fact, the more people you know, the more gifts you’ll receive. So go for a long walk today and introduce yourself to every person you see. Just walk up and say, “Don’t I know you? If not, I’d sure like to.” Then give them your address and tell them to send you a gift. You’ll make lots and lots of new friends. And you’ll be helping the economy.

IF IT AIN’T DIRTY, WHY CLEAN IT?

I’ve never seen anyone cleaning a church. I’ve seen many things, but never a cleaning crew working in a church; vacuuming, mopping, dusting the statues and scrubbing the altar. You know why? I figured it out: Churches don t need to be cleaned; God does it. It’s one of those miracles. That’s how they know it’s a church in the first place.

Here’s how it works: After a church has been built, the owners wait six months and then look inside. If it’s clean, they know it’s a church. So they get ready for the grand opening. And from that day on, they never have to clean it. No matter what kind of crud, grime or muck the si

OUR LADY OF THE TV

“Hi. I’m Our Lady of the TV. I’m here to say hello, and to make sure everyone prays real hard for peace. Also, the last time I was here I forgot my sunglasses. Has anyone seen my sunglasses?”

(Stagehand hands her the glasses.)

“Thank you. Hold my purse, would you?”

(She hands him her purse and puts on the sunglasses.)

“I know that many of you lead a pointless existence. You have dead-end jobs, bad marriages and children who hate you because you’ve ruined their lives. I also know you look to symbols like me to provide solace and hope. Well, here’s the deal: I have no solace to offer, and, frankly, there is no hope.

I’m just an illusion; an illusion that means nothing. So work it out for yourselves; if you ask me, you’re not trying hard enough. Thank you. I’ll be back in a few years. And please stop bothering my son with stupid requests like wi

(To the stagehand) “Gimme the purse.”

LETTER TO A FRIEND

Dear Trevor,

The reason I’m writing is because I’ve lost your address and have no way of getting in touch with you. For that reason, chances are you won’t receive this, in which case you should not feel obligated to reply. If, however, this letter does reach you and you wish to answer, please enclose your current address so 1 will know where to send this. By the way, you can ignore the return address on this envelope, as I am moving next week and, although I don ‘tyet have my new address, I will be sending it along as soon as I hear from you.