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COUNT TO A BILLION

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from Dover, Delaware, Big Earl Stemplemeyer’s Television Network presents Count to a Billion.

(Applause, lively organ music)

Yes, it’s Count to a Billion, the show where ordinary people of limited intelligence can win big money by simply counting to a billion. As we like to say, “If you can count at all, and have a reasonable amount of time on your hands, chances are you can count to a

billion.” So now, here’s your host, a man you can count on, that burly guy who’s one in a billion, Basil Dan-derfleck.

(Applause, lively organ music)

BASIL: Thank you, Wynonie Flench. And now, folks, let’s meet our two players, Tillie Lipfinder and Zippy Brillnipper, alias Skeezix Pendleton.

(Applause, lively organ music)

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BASIL: How about it, folks? Are you two ready to count to a...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

TILLIE: Yes sir.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

ZIPPY: You bet your ass!

(Applause, lively organ music)

BASIL: All right, let’s get started. As you know, we have only one rule: No skipping any numbers. Ready, set, go!

(Loud bell, lively organ music, applause, yelps, cheers)

TILLIE: (Incredibly rapid pace) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33 …

ZIPPY: (Extremelyslowly) 1…2 …3. ..4…

BASIL: Tillie appears to have jumped off to an early lead, but as we know, slow and steady wins the race, so don’t count Zippy out yet. By the way, tonight’s wi

TILLIE: (Incredibly rapid pace) 10,366,793, 10,366,794, 10,366.795, 10,366,796 . ..

ZIPPY: (Extremely slowly) 25,853,264 … 25,853,265 … 25,853,266 … 25,853,267 … 25,853,268 … 25,853,269 …

BASIL: Wow! Amazing! In no time at all, Zippy has caught up and pulled ahead. But he’d better not get overconfident, he still has 974 million to go.

We’ll check back in a moment, but first, a reminder that tonight’s ru

“hard to carry.” Take them with you and travel in style! Packwell and Goforth: ahead of their time since 1357. Let’s check in again with Zippy and Tillie.