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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian ma

I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get famous enough so that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culture for an Elvis-impersonator lookalike? Probably.

One objection to cloning human beings is that there’s a chance for abnormal offspring. Yeah? So? You ever take a look at some of those families in the South?

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

I think pimps should have an Employee of the Month the way other businesses do. It would be good for morale. And I’ll bet blow jobs would improve, too.

You rarely run into a damsel anymore.

Whenever I hear someone referred to as a spiritual leader, I wonder why the spirit world needs leaders.

Here’s more bullshit middlebrow philosophy: “That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something a little more realistic: “That which doesn’t kill me still may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull, and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that on your T-shirt, touchy-feely, New Age asshole!

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I think highways should have a beer lane.

Live and let live, that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked well in our family.

Isn’t it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed: “Let’s put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town.” What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow these motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need that phosphorous for farming. If we’re going to recycle, let’s get serious.

True Stuff: Because of all the lawsuits against “good Samaritans” whose efforts end badly, fewer people are willing to stop and lend assistance at the scene of an accident. As a result, experts are wondering whether or not we need laws compelling us to help each other.

Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around; maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pews.

Here’s a little car fun. If someone is driving alongside you in the right-hand lane, act concerned and wave them toward the side of the road, yelling, “Pull over! Pull over! Pull over!” When they finally pull over, just keep going. Let ’em sit there and think it over for a while. It’s certainly none of your concern. In fact, you don’t want to have anything to do with a person like that.

Something I really don’t like is claymation; that stop-action animation junk. Why don’t they can that shit? It’s fake-looking, and it detracts from the story.

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Canine Standard Time

A dog doesn’t understand time. Like a young child, he doesn’t know the difference between eight o’clock and a week ago Tuesday. The only period of time a dog understands is forever. And that’s how long he thinks everything is go

Y’ever scratch your dog behind the ears? They really love that, don’t they?

“Oh boy, oh boy! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!! Daddy’s scratchin’ me behind the ears! My favorite thing. Oh boy, oh boy! This is great!”

And you’re scratchin’ and scratchin’, and he’s lovin’ it, and lookin’ up at you adoringly, his eyes rollin’ back in his head, and then suddenly you stop. And he looks at you like you’re some kind of diseased criminal pervert. He’s disappointed. He thought the scratchin’ was go

He can’t help it—he just doesn’t know what time it is.