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Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it’s as simple as that. And term limits don’t help. All you do is get a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.

So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.

Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.

Vote? No!

For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn’t mean a thing.

Second, I don’t vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, “If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.” But where’s the logic in that? Think it through: if you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they screw things up, then you’re responsible for what they’ve done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain.

I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can’t people see that?

Now, I realize last year you folks had another one of those really swell presidential elections you treasure so much. That was nice. I’m sure you had a good time, and I’m sure that everyone’s life has now improved. But I’m happy to tell you that on Election Day I stayed home. And I did essentially what you did. The only difference is when I got finished masturbating I had something to show for it.

The 20th Century World-Hostility Scoreboard

The following is a list of hostilities that took place in the 20th Century among the civilized peoples of the world. The uncivilized were unable to provide reliable statistics.

2 ?

world wars ?

250 ?

civil wars ?

311 ?

holy wars ?

1 ?

cold war ?

516 ?

wars of liberation ?

331 ?

wars of containment ?

691 ?

wars of honor ?

296 ?

declared wars ?

856 ?

undeclared wars ?

4 ?

brushfire wars ?

2 ?

vest-pocket wars ?

413 ?

limited wars ?

1,987 ?

acts of war ?

7,756 ?

warlike acts ?

88 ?

police actions ?

2 ?

nuclear attacks ?

6,578 ?

government massacres ?

4 ?

holocausts ?

943 ?

jihads ?

693 ?

pogroms ?

614 ?

longterm persecutions ?

12,111 ?

acts of treachery ?

575 ?

betrayals of the masses ?

958 ?

grabs for power ?

400 ?

putsches ?

50 ?

total enslavements ?

837 ?

partial enslavements ?

4 ?

total genocides ?

461 ?

partial genocides ?

13,658 ?

cease-fire violations ?

3,115 ?

boundary disputes ?

1,432 ?

border clashes ?

3,047 ?

social conflicts ?

798 ?

sectarian rivalries ?

13,678 ?

civil disturbances ?

946 ?

carpet bombings ?

4,288 ?

threats to security ?

286 ?

popular uprisings ?

1,877 ?

areas of unrest ?

622 ?

strife-torn regions ?

165 ?

internal upheavals ?

745 ?

political repressions ?

12,194 ?

acts of sabotage ?

1,633 ?

swift reprisals ?

818 ?

armed resistances ?

639 ?

repressive measures ?

1,126 ?

violent outbursts ?

9,876 ?

mass detentions ?