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Here are the remaining Seven Sacred Rules of Spunk Shui (as read by Morgan Freeman):

Sacred Rule #2: Location, location, location. It’s always wise to place your spankatorium at the end of a long hallway, preferably with a raised foundation and wood flooring. Carpets on slabs can turn a three-hundred-pound mother-in-law in heels into a ninja.

Sacred Rule #3: Lose the lube. This stuff seems like a great idea when you’re living at home and your stepmom has a tub of it the size of a ketchup dispenser at Fenway. But wait until you’re out on your own and your roommate has cleaned out the last drop of Udder Balm. Any man who experienced the heart and cock-ache of the any-port-in-a-storm, “Fuck it, I’ll use Prell” jack knows all too well the slippery slope that is the slippery cock. It’s like the alcoholic who can’t afford booze and is drinking Sterno. So

Sacred Rule #4: Don’t get married to the sound. Either you will have the volume up so loud you won’t hear the front door opening or worse, when the old lady’s asleep you’ll resort to plugging headphones into your computer and you’ll end up like Sara Co

Sacred Rule #5: Don’t get married to the position. You never know when, or where, your next spank-ortunity will be. Even if you’ve followed all the other rules of Spunk Shui there are going to be times when you’re traveling. It’s like teams that play well in domes but suck in cold weather stadiums. You need to be flexible. Literally. And God forbid you have a near death experience. You need to be able to snap one off at thirty-thousand feet in a plane doing a nose-dive or while being chased by a Kodiak bear. You don’t want the last thought on your deathbed to be “I wish I had jerked off more.” That’s bad karma.

Sacred Rule #6: Be into what your wife or girlfriend looks like. This one is more for when you do get caught if you don’t adhere to the principles above. Assuming you will eventually get caught, it’s best to be watching a chick who looks enough like your wife or girlfriend that she won’t be completely offended, but enough like someone new that you can still get wood. I have a friend who’s into the MILF thing so it’s cool with his forty-year-old wife that he’s looking at forty-five-year-old women. But she wouldn’t be as cool if he were into busty Latinas in their twenties. So find a site with the same types as your lady, or as I call them, fuck-similes.

Sacred Rule #7: Settle. One way to get caught is to spend too long looking for the perfect thing. You can waste hours upon hours looking at Internet porn. It’s like walking down an endless aisle in a virtual porn store the size of Antarctica. But the truth is, you can find something to facilitate the sacred act in a few minutes if you keep your mind as open as your pants.

I have two inventions to nip this in the bud. The first is an app to co

My other idea is a little more practical. It’s simply a software fix. Single guys should have a lock-out timer for the porn-jack session. You set the time you think you need to complete the task. It then locks you out for four times that period if you go past your limit. If you give yourself thirty minutes and go thirty-one minutes you’ll be locked out for two hours. Imagine how productive our society would be with this app. We’d be off foreign oil, there’d be no cancer and we’d all probably be living on Mars. I’ve even got a tag line for the ads, “Your cock is on the clock.”

I hope that answers all your questions about puberty, So

And sorry if it was a little too focused on masturbating, but it’s clearly a topic I’m passionate about and upon which I have a lot of wisdom to impart. You’re my boy, my heir, and you have some big shoes to fill. I don’t want to say I’ve taken masturbating to the next level but before I started doing it they called it amateur-bating.