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I’m not joking when I say that Natalia and So

We almost had a very 2014 version of “Who’s on First?” going on. No wonder old people are confused by technology. We don’t give anything new names. Think about it: window, screen, tweet, bookmark, cookie and spam are all words that used to mean something else. Hell, tablet is simultaneously the oldest and newest means of communication on the planet. We have the same word for the thing Moses carved the Ten Commandments into and what my daughter is Instagramming and selfie-ing from.

If it’s not on a tablet and in 3-D and costs at least three hundred fifty dollars, my kids don’t give a shit. As I write this, I’m looking out my window at an air hockey table that is being used as a regular table to set junk on because my kids used it once on December 26 and then never again because they’re so sucked into the virtual world. Think about the toys and games we old farts had and what our kids would think of them.

Ant Farms: Do you remember ant farms? Ask your parents or grandparents if you don’t. (Actually, just Google it. Why have a conversation with those old fucks?) The ant farm was two pieces of plastic half an inch apart with a bunch of dirt in the middle and you’d just stare at it and watch ants dig tu

First off, what did you expect the ants to do? They’re digging a tu

But the point is this. If I gave So

Venus Fly Trap: We never had one of these at our house, but there was one at the counter of the gardening store up the street. We’d go there just to put our finger in it and watch it slowly close. Could you imagine a kid nowadays being entertained, nay, amazed by this like I was as a youth? No fucking chance.

Shadow Puppets: Yes, back in the day we used to think shadow puppets were entertaining. Someone would hang a sheet, take the shade off the lamp and make something that looked approximately like an ostrich head. That’s what we had to fill our sad days. If I attempted to entertain my kids by folding my hands to make a shadow puppet of a bird, they’d flip me the bird.

Fake Rocket or Horse in Front of the Supermarket: When I was a kid, this is what made the trip to the grocery store worthwhile. Not that there were a lot of Carolla family trips to the supermarket. My mom would hit the Full o’ Life health food store for some sprouted wheat bread and jicama, while the rest of you readers over thirty-five were riding the fake horsie in front of the Ralph’s or Stop & Shop. That thing cost a quarter, and would sort-of vibrate or slowly rock for a minute, yet it was the height of entertainment. If it was the rocket version you held on to a metal disk of a steering wheel that either didn’t turn at all or spun in perpetuity.

Every now and again you see these around, but you never see kids on them. They’re like the appendix. They used to serve a purpose, but now they’re just taking up space. Kids today wouldn’t put up with that shit. And more importantly, they’d have no idea how to operate them. I don’t think my son or daughter have any idea what a quarter looks like. They’d be trying to swipe Mommy’s debit card in the horse’s ass.