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 You Don’t Have Grocery Store Club Cards on Your Keychain: If you decide you need the grocery store savings club card on your keychain at all times so you won’t forget to save that eight cents on the store-brand Chex, you’re probably not on the Forbes list. There’s actually an equation with these things: the more of those cards you have on your keychain, the worse you’re doing. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to save a buck when you can. But please, just stick with the card that goes in your wallet. It’s the difference between having a herpes sore on your lip for all to see and the genital herpes hidden safely in your underpants. Nothing will dry up a lady’s vagina on a first date like seeing the CVS club card dangling from the keychain when you pick her up.

 You Have a Magnet-Free Kitchen: It’s a good sign if you have no place to stick the kids’ drawings and coupons with magnets. That means everything in your kitchen is stainless steel and cost a couple of shekels.

It’s gotta be lean years for the magnet manufacturers of America, my second favorite MMA. Back in the day, everything was metal and would grip a magnet. There used to be magnets on every fridge in this country, and I once saw one reading “clean” on one side and “dirty” on the other that you would stick to the dishwasher. Even car dashboards back in the day were metal and could handle a magnetized notepad or compass. But I’m sitting in my kitchen as I write this, and there’s not a magnet for miles. Everything in my house is stainless steel or some sort of polymer.

I’m sorry, So

 You’ve Never Taken a Travel Voucher: We’ve all heard the a

When they do this on Southwest Airlines, it’s even worse because waiting for that flight is a collection of some of the cheapest fucks on the planet as it is. Throw in a voucher, and there’s a Black Friday — eqsue stampede to get to that counter. It’s a freebie feeding frenzy. It’s not like you’re going to get a BJ from a Victoria’s Secret model, Southwest flyers, you’re getting a voucher for Fuddruckers. Settle down.

On this particular day, this was the only flight to San Antonio. So this person giving up their seat would not be able to get there for at least twenty-four hours. I have never had travel plans that flexible. There’s a part of me that’s jealous, to be honest. I wish I could say, “Eh, I’ll go tomorrow. I’ll just head home and watch some Price is Right.” That’s how you know these people are losers: They have nowhere to be, and no one waiting for them.