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The same is true of the word cuisine. The difference between food and cuisine is sixty dollars. That’s it. They’re stealing from you. You want to know some real gourmet food? Toasted snail penises; candied filet of panda asshole: deep-dish duck dick. Now you’re talkin’ cuisine.

Hearty

This is a word only a bullshitter could love: hearty. Soups are hearty, breakfast is hearty. Folks, next time you see the word hearty, take a good look at the rest of the label. “Hmmra! Six hundred grams of saturated fat.” You know, hearty. As in heart attack.

The/words

It’s a good idea to be wary of any words ending in y, in particular such words as butter-y, lemon-y and chocolate-y. Any time marketers add a y to the name of a food, you can be sure they’re yanking your schwantz. Real chocolatey goodness. Translation? No fuckin’ chocolate!

And while we’re at it, zesty and tangy are not real words that normal people use in conversation. Has anyone ever turned to you in a restaurant and said, “This pork is really zesty. And it’s tangy, too”? My comment? “Hey, Zesty, I got something’ tangy for ya!”

Flavored

Folks, watch out for the word flavored. Lemon-flavored drink. Oh yeah? Lemme know if you spot any trace of a goddamn lemon in there.

There’s even a pet food that calls itself a chicken-flavored treat. Well, a dog doesn’t know what chicken tastes like. He might like it if you give him some, but he’s not go

Natural

The last one of these bullshit food words is natural. And these comments are directed at all you environmental jackoffs out there. The word natural is completely meaningless. Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It’s not just trees and flowers and the northern spotted owl. It’s everything in the universe. Untreated raw sewage, polyester, toxic chemical waste, used bandages, monkey shit. It’s all perfectly natural. It’s just not real good food. But you know something? It is zesty. And it’s tangy, too. Bon appe’tit, consumers.

RETAIL BLUES

LET’S TAKE THE GLOVES OFF

When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwiches have to be wearing gloves? I’m not comfortable with this. I don’t want glove residue all over my food; it his not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been? Let’s get back to the practice of human hands making sandwiches for human beings.

And we have to stop this tipping-people-for-counter-service thing. No one should get a tip for standing erect, moving a few feet to one side and picking up a muffin. The sign on the pathetic little tip cup says TIPS WOULD BE APPRECIATED. Well, so would some fuckin’ decent service. Let’s be honest, folks, there’s not a great deal of IQ floating around behind these counters. Maybe in their homelands some of these people might pass for intelligent, but to me, if they live in this country and can’t speak English, their IQ plunges about three hundred points. I shouldn’t have to leave a tip in order to pay for someone’s English lessons.

DON’T BE A PHONEE

Store clerks! You should not be on the phone when you’re waiting on me. When I, the customer, walk up to the counter, the phone should be put down. And if it rings while you’re waiting on me, let it ring. After ten rings, pick it up, and, without even saying hello, say, “I’m currently waiting on an actual, paying customer who has money and has had the courtesy to come into the store to transact business. I will get to you when the store is empty. Stay on the line if you wish, but I may not get to you till sundown.” Then smile at me and say, “Where were we?” The in-store customer should always come first.