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REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE: Nothing works, nothing counts, nothing fits, no one cares, no one listens, standards have fallen, everyone’s fatter, lines are longer, traffic’s worse, kids are dumber and the air is

dirty. Til be back later with more reasons for giving up hope. In the meantime, try to come up with a few of your own.

Here’s a thought: If you have a perfectly DNA-matched identical twin, technically, it’s possible to go fuck yourself.

Sometimes you hear people say, “What kind of message does that send to our children?” And I think, What messages are these people talking about? When I was a kid, I never got any messages. Maybe an aunt would send me a birthday card or something; or once in a while my mother would get a Western Union telegram. But at our house, that was about it.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.

In New York Stare, there’s a town called Eastchester. It’s in a county called Westchester.

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.

TRUE FACT: In 2002, in the US. Supreme Court, the surviving heirs of the famous film comedy trio were awarded “the intellectual rights to the Three Stooges.’

I don’t know about you, but years ago, when Evel Knievel was jumping across the Snake River, I was rooting for the river.

In the news from Israel, I keep hearing about the “cycle of violence.” It reminded me that when I was a kid I had one of them, too. After school, I used to pedal it around the neighborhood, hitting other kids over the head with a big steel pipe.

They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?

I always feel good when I visit a sickroom supply store and see all the things I don’t need.

The last thing a young girl needs is a hands-on father. I feel really good. I wish I felt even more like this.

Dear Mom,

How are you? I am fine. I tried to donate my liver to science but they wouldn ‘t take it. Next time I’m going to add some sauteed onions and a light sauce. I’ll let you know how it goes. Love, Neil

There’s nothing wrong with a man who enjoys a good blow job. Anonymous

I read an article that cautioned people against shaken-baby syndrome. Do people really need to be told this sort of thing? And if some people do need to be told, are these the kind of people who are very likely to heed the advice? Personally, I never shake a baby. Unless the recipe calls for it.

Imagine how creepy it would be to be sexually abused by your great-great-grandparents.

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back.

TRUE FACT: A guy somewhere in the Midwest was sued for having too many Christmas lights on his house. Happy holidays.

I think Western Union should have a service where women with big tits come to your house and sing “Happy Birthday.” They could call it a mammogram.

Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.

A lot of the people who worry about the safety of nuclear plants don’t bother using their seat belts.

HERE’S SOME FUN: Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, “Get off the line.”