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I can tell you this: Although he looked quite unusual, and he smelled godawful, I was glad I could be there for him when he needed me.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BODY OF WORK: PART 2 TOENAIL CLIPPINGS

Saving the little things we remove from our bodies comes from our natural curiosity. We all have it. We’re curious about ourselves, we’re curious about our bodies, so were curious about the little parts that we clip, snip, pluck, pull or pick off of ourselves. Toenail clippings are a good example.

I’ll set the scene for you: You’re sittin’ on the bed at home one night, and something’ really shitty comes on TV. Like a regularly scheduled, prime-time network program. And you think, “Well, I’m not go

So you start to clip your toenails. And every time you clip one of them, the little clipped part flies several feet away. You notice that? These things fly all over the bed. So when you’re finished clipping, you have to gather them all back into a little pile. You can’t leave them all over the bed, they make dents in your legs. You don’t need that. You have to gather them back into a pile. And did you ever notice this? The bigger the pile gets, the more pride you have in the pile.

“Look at this, Honey. The biggest pile of toenail clippings we’ve had in this house since the day the Big Bopper died. Get the fuckin’ camcorder! Call

the Museum of Natural History! Tell them we have a good idea for one of those diorama things.”

And then you search the bed for the largest clipping of all, the biggest one you can find, usually from the big toe, and you bend it for a while. Don’t you? Yes! You do! You bend it, you squeeze it, you play with it. You have to. Why? Because you can! Because it’s still lively and viable; it just came off your body, there his still moisture in it. It’s almost alive!!

And sometimes I save my toenail clippings overnight. Do you ever do that. You put em in an ashtray and try to save them till the morning? Its no use. They’re no good in the morning; they’re too dry. You cant bend them. I say, fuck em, throw em away. Who needs unbendable toenails? Not me. I’m not that sick. I don’t need parts that badly. No sir.

PICK OF THE LITTER

Little things, folks. Little things you pick off your bodyand your curiosity about them. Especially if its something you can’t really see before you pick it off.

For instance, you know how sometimes you’re picking your ass? You know what I mean, just standing out in the driveway, idly picking your ass? And as you’re picking and probing, you come across something that seems to be … a small object! And let’s be real, here, folks. After you manage to pull it free, don’t you smell it? Just a little bit? Sure you do. You have to, it’s only natural. And you get excited!

“Honey, c’mere! Look! (He sniffs) You want a couple of hits off this thing? While it’s still fresh? Remind me, baby. Did we eat at Fatburger this week? We did? (Sniffs again) Well, I don’t remember orderin anything that smelled like this. I believe this is a Shitburger. You know, tastes like a burger, smells like shit. Actually, it smells more like Ethel Merman. Call that Andrew Lloyd Webber fella. Tell him we have a great idea for one of those fine shows he’s always

puttin’ on Broadway. Then gimme the scrapbook, baby. This son of a bitch is going’ right next to that Lithuanian toe-jam we found at the Olympics.” It’s an exciting moment the whole family can enjoy.

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

(Two bachelors at a neighborhood bar.)

CHESTER: Tomorrow’s my fortieth birthday. I gotta go get candles and pick up my cake.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: You’re buyin’ your own birthday cake?

CHESTER: No, I ain’t buyin’ my own birthday cake. My mother’s buyin’ it, I’m just pickin’ it up. She’s givin’ me a surprise party but she don’t feel good, so she can’t pick up the cake.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: It’s a surprise party, and you’re pickin1 up the...

CHESTER: I ain’t go

LESTER: But how can it be a surprise party if you’re pickin’ up the cake and you know the party is comin ?